Wow! That last post was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be... but I made it through it!! This next post may be a bit disjointed as I don't remember all of the details because I was in a bit of a fog. But I'll do my best. :-)
Well, after we got past the shock of his death ourselves, we had to call our family and break the news to them. We wanted to get away from the house so that we could gather our thoughts about telling our parents, siblings but even harder, we had to tell Von. We asked the police officers if we could go get lunch and come back. They told us no!!! Can you believe they had right to tell us that we couldn't leave our own home!! I asked if we could just go on a walk to get away from the house for a minute. They told us that before we went on a walk, that we had to be interrogated first. I couldn't believe it!! They thought we had killed our son!! When the police officer pulled me into her car, she apologized for having to question me when I was going through such a situation. After that, I let my guard down a little and told her that I understood that she was just doing her job.
We finally went on a walk to get away from everything and everyone that was in our house. We discussed what was going to happen next. Who we should call and tell, and who we should just let them find out through the grapevine. I agreed to call my parents, brother and Jess. Michael called his parents, sister and his two best friends. Then we started talking about the finances of it all. (Yeah, I know, this is what everyone thinks of right away when their son dies. Right?!?!?)
I called my dad and I distinctly remember my parents reaction. I was talking to dad on the phone, apparently he had me on speaker phone. I am not very tactful so I simply said, "Corban's dead." My mother let out a blood curdling scream in the background!! My dad told me in a very stern voice that it wasn't ok to be joking about such things. After I convinced him that it wasn't a joke, I could hear him start to choke up as he told us that they were on their way. I don't remember calling anyone else. I'm sure that I called my brother and Jess, but I simply don't remember it. I asked my parents to call my uncle, who is a pastor, and ask if he would conduct the funeral. He said he could and came up right away. My parents were at our front door within 9 hours of receiving our call.
In the following day or two, we had tons of people at our house!! Enough people that I don't even remember who was there. Occasionally, to this day, my parents will say something about someone being at the funeral and I have no recollection of them being there.
We went to the funeral home to make plans for what to do with each section of the funeral. We wanted an open casket funeral and then we wanted him cremated because we had NO idea where to bury him. The funeral home director, Fred, told us that it would be about 8,000 to 10,000 dollars for a casket alone!!! Plus the cremation fees, plus the urn, plus transportation!! I asked why we couldn't just borrow the casket and give it back. Do you know what Fred told us???? He said that after a casket had been used it couldn't be used again because of the germs in it!!!!! They had to burn it if he didn't get buried in it!!! We told him that we would have to think it through and get back to him.
We went in the room without him. I have a problem solving brain so, I got to thinking and brainstorming ideas of what we could do. We came up with the idea of a bassinet. We asked if that would be an option and they agreed to it. How cute would a bassinet be anyway?? Well, I told some of the ladies at the church what the plan was and later that day, Michael and I went bassinet shopping. We went to Wal-mart, target, k-mart and that was all that was in our area to go look at. All of the bassinets were so joyful and playful with bright colors and animals on them. Or they had plaid and hideous ness on them. It wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but we picked one and took it home.
Before we had time to put the bassinet together, I got a phone call from the church secretary who asked if we still needed a bassinet. I told her that we had bought one from target. It wasn't ideal but it would work. She told us that a lady that used to go to their church had one that she was willing to let us use. She described it to me telling me that it was antique, white and had a half canopy over the top, just like in the movies!! I asked her if it was ever going to be used again. She told me that the lady willing to donate it was pregnant and was due any day. I asked if she was sure that she wanted a dead baby in a bassinet that she was going to use for her baby. Can you believe they were ok with it??? So, we were able to return the bassinet we bought and get our money back and get a much more appropriate bassinet for a funeral.
Michael and I had to take the bassinet to the funeral home, and we got to see Corban. I looked down at him and I was mortified!! They had cut open his forehead for the autopsy!! They explained that was to make sure that he didn't have shaken baby syndrome. But because they mutilated my baby, his face looked like a smushed tomato! I guess I didn't have a choice at that point but to be ok with it. Fred told me that I could hold him if I wanted to. But he also told me that it would be nothing like holding him before he passed. He told me that he will be stiff as a board and that many parents that hold their child regret it later. So, I chose to just look at my mutilated baby and not hold him. It didn't look much like him anyway.
It was perfect, all was coming together. Because someone loaned us the bassinet, we were able to avoid the huge charge for the casket. We had family and friends that brought in extra toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates and silverware! The ladies from the church provided enough food for the many, many people that came to our house from out of town! In fact, many opened up their homes to our family, so that they wouldn't have to stay in a hotel! We had well over 50 people come from out of town to support us! Another thing that started to happen, we started getting masses of cards from all over the world! Some from Germany, Australia, and some from many of the united states! In the cards, wasn't only notes of sympathy, but money!! When all of them had come in, we had enough money to cover the funeral and counseling for all three of us! Funny enough, we even got a sympathy card from the mailman! Who knew that he would even know what happened?!?! I counted the cards when ever they stopped coming in, and I had approximately 250.
My grandmother asked me if I wanted help writing thank you notes. I was taken back! I thought to myself, "I don't know everyone that sent a card, money, or flowers for the funeral. How am I going to know who to send thank you notes???" I told her I didn't even know where to start for that! believe or not, somehow she had thought to write down everything that we would need to thank people for! Names of the ladies that brought food, money, opened their house, gave us flowers and even those that help put the funeral details together. I was relieved!! My grandmother pulled together a group of people who wrote all my thank you notes for me! She was a lifesaver in the whole mess I would have had without her.
Ok. Well, I cannot emotionally write anymore. I'll continue next time with more details.
Until another day! May God bless you in your path!!
Friday, April 11, 2014
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Corban What?!?!?!
I went to the women's Bible study for 2 months and had gone from acquaintances to friends with many of them. We were studying Philippians. So, I was learning about joy in the midst of suffering. I thought it was the best timing for a study like that as I thought it was a trial to move so far from my parents. Amazingly, studying Philippians made me so joyful it began to really change my way of thinking. I wasn't "happy" all the time, but I was empowered to be joyful.
When Corban was 5.5 months old it was March 28th. I was working at Lowe's at the time and it was a Saturday. The night before (Friday the 27th), I worked until closing and hadn't gotten home from work until 12, or maybe later. It was my habit to kiss both of my boys on the forehead each night I came in late. But I was so tired from closing that night, I decided to just go to bed and not take the extra 2 minutes to go check on them. I had to be at work at 8 the next morning. Corban woke up crying around 5:30am and I poked my husband and asked him to go check on Corban. My husband quieted him very quickly and came back to bed saying, "he just dropped his binky." (pacifier) I didn't think another thought of it and I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Saturday morning, I was getting ready and I was headed into get him up and feed him before I went to work. Michael stopped me and told me that he wanted me to let him sleep longer. He offered to just feed Corban whenever he woke up. I finished getting ready for work at a more leisurely pace, grateful that Michael was going to help out that morning.
I went to work and was discussing something with my boss when I got a phone call. I answered the phone and when I found out it was my husband I was so embarrassed. Even though he had never called me at work before, I asked him if I could call him back on my lunch break. He said no that he needed my opinion. He said, "I think Corban may be sick. He's blue, should I call an ambulance??" I'm quite sure that my face turned either really red or really white. When I said, "blue?", my boss got on the loud speaker and asked for one of my coworkers to come to the aisle we were standing in.
That day my car was in the shop for an oil change and I had no way home. My co-worker drove me home and half way home, I realized that Michael was trying to tell me that Corban was dead. Sure enough, when I got home there were 2 or 3 police cars in the driveway, but no ambulance. I stormed into the house to go check on my baby boy. The police officer told me that he had died. While restraining me, he told me that I wasn't allowed to touch him in case it was a homicide. I COULDN'T TOUCH MY OWN BABY!!!!!
My husband just stood there in shock and I went to the living room to cry on the couch. My coworker came in to console me and give me a hug. He offered to take Von out for lunch, because at the age of 3 he wouldn't understand why policemen kept showing up at the house. Soon after my coworker took Von, we had close to 10 police cars at our house.
I called one of the ladies from the quilting group and asked her to call the pastor because the police officer said that I needed to call my pastor or they would call the county Chaplin. She called the pastor and then she and her husband came over right away.
When the pastor got there, HE was allowed in the room with my baby boy, but yet, I still wasn't allowed in the room. He went into the room with Corban and he prayed standing over him and then read Psalm 23. Frankly, I wasn't too happy that this man I barely knew was allowed to stand in the room with my baby and I wasn't. Needless to say, Psalm 23 doesn't bring me the comfort it once used to. In fact, it's hard to read any of the Psalms at all.
I will tell you more about what happened next, next time. Until another day! May God bless you in your path!!
When Corban was 5.5 months old it was March 28th. I was working at Lowe's at the time and it was a Saturday. The night before (Friday the 27th), I worked until closing and hadn't gotten home from work until 12, or maybe later. It was my habit to kiss both of my boys on the forehead each night I came in late. But I was so tired from closing that night, I decided to just go to bed and not take the extra 2 minutes to go check on them. I had to be at work at 8 the next morning. Corban woke up crying around 5:30am and I poked my husband and asked him to go check on Corban. My husband quieted him very quickly and came back to bed saying, "he just dropped his binky." (pacifier) I didn't think another thought of it and I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Saturday morning, I was getting ready and I was headed into get him up and feed him before I went to work. Michael stopped me and told me that he wanted me to let him sleep longer. He offered to just feed Corban whenever he woke up. I finished getting ready for work at a more leisurely pace, grateful that Michael was going to help out that morning.
I went to work and was discussing something with my boss when I got a phone call. I answered the phone and when I found out it was my husband I was so embarrassed. Even though he had never called me at work before, I asked him if I could call him back on my lunch break. He said no that he needed my opinion. He said, "I think Corban may be sick. He's blue, should I call an ambulance??" I'm quite sure that my face turned either really red or really white. When I said, "blue?", my boss got on the loud speaker and asked for one of my coworkers to come to the aisle we were standing in.
That day my car was in the shop for an oil change and I had no way home. My co-worker drove me home and half way home, I realized that Michael was trying to tell me that Corban was dead. Sure enough, when I got home there were 2 or 3 police cars in the driveway, but no ambulance. I stormed into the house to go check on my baby boy. The police officer told me that he had died. While restraining me, he told me that I wasn't allowed to touch him in case it was a homicide. I COULDN'T TOUCH MY OWN BABY!!!!!
My husband just stood there in shock and I went to the living room to cry on the couch. My coworker came in to console me and give me a hug. He offered to take Von out for lunch, because at the age of 3 he wouldn't understand why policemen kept showing up at the house. Soon after my coworker took Von, we had close to 10 police cars at our house.
I called one of the ladies from the quilting group and asked her to call the pastor because the police officer said that I needed to call my pastor or they would call the county Chaplin. She called the pastor and then she and her husband came over right away.
When the pastor got there, HE was allowed in the room with my baby boy, but yet, I still wasn't allowed in the room. He went into the room with Corban and he prayed standing over him and then read Psalm 23. Frankly, I wasn't too happy that this man I barely knew was allowed to stand in the room with my baby and I wasn't. Needless to say, Psalm 23 doesn't bring me the comfort it once used to. In fact, it's hard to read any of the Psalms at all.
I will tell you more about what happened next, next time. Until another day! May God bless you in your path!!
Corban Kale
When Von was 3, Michael and I had a second son. Corban Kale is what we named him. Little did we know at the time that Kale was a vegetable! Ha! We just knew that Kale meant free man. Corban was born in East Tennessee a month or two before Michael graduated with his MBA. He was born in October. Beautiful weather in East TN during that time of year.
Even though I wasn't very protective of Von as a baby, I was extremely protective of Corban. While we were still in the hospital, I placed Corban in my bed that would make someone reach over me to get to him. The nurses in the hospital kept trying to take him back to the nurses station for normal newborn testing. They would come in and ask for him and I would want a detailed description of why they wanted him. Typical helicopter mom (something I had never been.)
They came into my room around 10 or 11 pm the night after he was born and told me they were going to check his bilirubin levels. I drifted in and out of sleep until 12pm and I got up to see why they hadn't brought him back to my room. They told me that he was still waiting to have the test done. I thought to myself, "WHAT?!?!? Why did they come and get him and he is still waiting 1 or 2 hours later!!" I expressed my dislike and demanded to have my baby back. They told me that he would be done within the next 15 minutes. Because I was weak from giving birth that day, I wondered back to my room. I came back at 12:30am, 1:00am, 1:30am and 2am. Finally, I told them I wasn't going to leave the desk until I had Corban back. They brought him right out and gave him to me. I lost almost a full night of sleep because they wanted to dawdle with my baby in the "nursery." They kept telling me it was because they wanted me to get some sleep! HA! Little did they know that I wasn't going to get any sleep until I had Corban back. Once I got Corban back into the room with me, I placed him on my side between me and the wall again and fell asleep the rest of the night. Corban slept and let me sleep until my parents came into visit with me around 8 the next morning!
Corban had jaundice, just like Von, but his was a bit worse than Von's. Corban had to lay under a uv light in our home for 3 days. He could be blind if he didn't have the blinder patches on. He kept taking the blinder's off so, between mom and I we were staying up around the clock for those 3 days. That was exhausting!!! We took 3 to 4 hour shifts 24 hours a day for those three days.
Once Corban got rid of Jaundice, he was one of the happiest babies I have EVER met. He never cried unless I had forgotten to feed him for too long. He would cry for a short time if he woke up in the middle of the night. But often in the mornings I would go in his room and check on him and he would just be in his room cuing and talking to himself. It was adorable!!
When Corban was about 3 months old, we moved to southern MD. I was 8 hours away from my parents!! This was the first time ever that I lived more than 15 miles from my parents!! Going from 15 to 500, was a very big deal to me. But I was excited for a new adventure, so I just focused on integrating myself into the community right away! I got involved in a quilting group at a church and they invited me to a women's Bible study.
Even though I wasn't very protective of Von as a baby, I was extremely protective of Corban. While we were still in the hospital, I placed Corban in my bed that would make someone reach over me to get to him. The nurses in the hospital kept trying to take him back to the nurses station for normal newborn testing. They would come in and ask for him and I would want a detailed description of why they wanted him. Typical helicopter mom (something I had never been.)
They came into my room around 10 or 11 pm the night after he was born and told me they were going to check his bilirubin levels. I drifted in and out of sleep until 12pm and I got up to see why they hadn't brought him back to my room. They told me that he was still waiting to have the test done. I thought to myself, "WHAT?!?!? Why did they come and get him and he is still waiting 1 or 2 hours later!!" I expressed my dislike and demanded to have my baby back. They told me that he would be done within the next 15 minutes. Because I was weak from giving birth that day, I wondered back to my room. I came back at 12:30am, 1:00am, 1:30am and 2am. Finally, I told them I wasn't going to leave the desk until I had Corban back. They brought him right out and gave him to me. I lost almost a full night of sleep because they wanted to dawdle with my baby in the "nursery." They kept telling me it was because they wanted me to get some sleep! HA! Little did they know that I wasn't going to get any sleep until I had Corban back. Once I got Corban back into the room with me, I placed him on my side between me and the wall again and fell asleep the rest of the night. Corban slept and let me sleep until my parents came into visit with me around 8 the next morning!
Corban had jaundice, just like Von, but his was a bit worse than Von's. Corban had to lay under a uv light in our home for 3 days. He could be blind if he didn't have the blinder patches on. He kept taking the blinder's off so, between mom and I we were staying up around the clock for those 3 days. That was exhausting!!! We took 3 to 4 hour shifts 24 hours a day for those three days.
Once Corban got rid of Jaundice, he was one of the happiest babies I have EVER met. He never cried unless I had forgotten to feed him for too long. He would cry for a short time if he woke up in the middle of the night. But often in the mornings I would go in his room and check on him and he would just be in his room cuing and talking to himself. It was adorable!!
When Corban was about 3 months old, we moved to southern MD. I was 8 hours away from my parents!! This was the first time ever that I lived more than 15 miles from my parents!! Going from 15 to 500, was a very big deal to me. But I was excited for a new adventure, so I just focused on integrating myself into the community right away! I got involved in a quilting group at a church and they invited me to a women's Bible study.
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